You Know What Kind Of Day I Am Having When The Kids Have Taken 3 Baths By Noon

Or, Alternatively Titled:

Poopzilla Strikes Again

Don't get me wrong, I love writing this blog. BUT, "quiet time" today was supposed to go to clipping and organizing hundreds of coupons, and maybe finishing the 10 gabillion loads of laundry I have to fold and put away. You know, everyday SAHM stuff. 

Today, I am using the quiet time to take a break, drink Diet Pepsi, eat some Harry and David almonds, and blog.

This morning I awoke to my 2 year old screaming in her bed, "I AM A BIG GIRL! I AM A BIG GIRL!".  This can only mean one thing: somehow, in spite of the Pull Ups, she has managed to have an accident all over her self, her sheets, her bed.  Thus, bubble bath number one. Only, you can't just give one girl a bubble bath. All the girls want one if one girl is getting one. So, 20 minutes later, I had 3 squeaky clean kids and a load of clothes/bedding in the wash.  No, I know how the sentence reads. I did NOT put the squeaky clean kids in the wash. That would be cool if I could.

Then, my lovely husband whom I adore and only tries to make things easier on me.. remember the post about how he handled "passing gas" issues with my 5 yr old?...  He comes home for an early lunch and says, "I know it is overcast and muddy outside, but it is supposed to really storm bad starting tomorrow. It might be your only chance to get the kids' energy out."   So, out they went, and when they came back inside, they had bubble bath number 2.

Every time I get the kids out of the tub, it is the same story. I have to chase them around, dry them off, get them dressed. It takes a good 15 minutes to accomplish this. By this point, it was clear the baby and the 2 yr old really needed to go down for a nap. So, I told the 2 yr old to go potty while I put the towels up to dry. I draped them over the shower rod, and the shower rod just collapsed.  Half of the curtain hooks went into the pee filled toilet. The 2 yr old, who was standing in the bathroom doorway when this happened, started screaming in terror (naptime, remember?).  Part of my cloth shower curtain was soaked in toilet water, too. So, I sigh and fish the hooks out of the toilet and put them in the sink to sanitize. Then, I take the shower curtain to the wash.  Then, I come back to the bathroom and realized the tub isn't drained yet. It still is piled high with unpopped bubbles. 

I fish my hand towards the drain to pull off a washcloth. These constantly get forgotten in the tub. I am always having to pull them out so the tub can drain. Only, I didn't fish out a washcloth. I fished out part of a big long "log". Ack! Poopzilla, aka the baby, has gotten sneaky.  

This meant that I had to get all three girls BACK INTO THE SHOWER! They could have poop bits all in their wet hair, for pete's sake!! AND, I had to get them a whole NEW set of clothes to put on. So, now I have even MORE laundry to do... all those poop water soaked towels, the clothes I had just put on them (bc poop water was still dripping from their hair.. better to be safe than sorry, right?)

UGH. I had to scrub that bathroom too. AND, I threw out EVERY toy that was in the tub.  (that's the good thing about the stockpile of bath related toy gifts we get as presents all year...) The 5 yr old was like "Poop? In the tub? Where??! Oh! I see it! Look at that long turd log! Gross!"  

Yeah. Three baths/showers and several changes of clothing later, here I am blogging about it.. Oh, AND! When I went to get the latest batch of wet towels from the bathroom floor, I discovered where the baby peed on the floor too. Great.  I REALLY need to do that laundry now.

My 2 Year Old, The Animal Lover

The 2 Year Old Wants a Couple of Pets...

But Not for the Usual Reasons.

I had one of those magical conversations with my two-year old the other day.  Like many children her age, she is an animal lover.  She is in Heaven at a petting zoo and loves to visit friends that have pets.  At first, our conversation was not particularly surprising. Then, it took a turn...

"Momma, I want a Cat"

"Oh, you do, do you?"

"Yes. I want a kitty cat and a dog."

"I see."

"Yes, I want a kitty cat and a dog. So the dog will chase and eat that cat. Because I HATE that cat!"

Then she pulls a prissy little "hmmph" and turns and walks away, arms crossed over her chest.

Ok... I am going to keep a closer eye on that one.

It's Official: The Baby is Our New Pet

The One-Year Old Is Our New Dog...
Let Me Count the Ways!

As I was trying to get the girls to settle down tonight so we could have bedtime story time, the girls were all acting rambunctious, as usual. Tonight was especially interesting, as the baby was sitting in the corner of the room. She was guarding the basket we keep the board books in and was actually growling warnings at the other girls when they got too close. In that moment, she reminded me of my friend's anciently aged chihuahua when that dog gets really ticked about something. Just growling and grumbling and warning, and daring the children to come closer. In that instant, I realized we don't really need a dog or a pet. The one-year old is our pet.

• She growls at the other children.
• When in trouble, or when she hears the word "NO!", she runs up to you to give you sloppy kisses all over your face.
• She will eat just about anything.
• She digs through the trash.
• She poops all over my floor. (Mainly right after getting out of the tub. She runs from you and poops.)
• When someone is sad, she has to go sit by them and even puts her head on their lap sometimes.
• You have to make sure she gets plenty of food and water and activity time.
  
• If I am sitting down, she has to come sit in my lap.
• She digs around in the dirt outside.
• She bolts for the open door to escape outside whenever she sees an opportunity.
• She loves a good car ride and sings along with the radio.
• She has really big eyes and is so totally adorable.
• Everyone that sees her wants to hold and pet on her.
• When she eats, she drops food bits all over the floor.. then goes and eats them off the floor.
  
• She chews on anything that isn't nailed down.
• She has become quite the "pen" escape artist and can get out of her crib and the highchair with ease.
  
• You often walk in to find her standing on the dining room table, rooting for forgotten leftovers.
• You have to take her for her shots.
• She bites fingers when they get too close to her mouth. (How many times have I had to say, while driving, "Well, then. DON'T PUT YOUR FINGERS IN HER MOUTH!!" ?)
• She follows simple commands: Stay, Sit, Lay Down
• She will shake your hand.
• The kids play fetch with her.
  
• Don't get me started on the water in the toilet bowl.
  

Yep. My kids have been asking for a pet lately. Now, I can say, "But you already have one!" I did get the some Zhu Zhu pets for Christmas... between those and the baby, I figure the kids are covered for now!

WARNING: It's About "That Time of the Month"

The First Time My 2-Yr Old Walked In On Me When it Was "That Time"
*It Had Been 3 1/2 Years In Between Periods, so This Was a Real Shock To Her System!

Why would I post this type of story? Because it is funny. Because it illustrates what it means to have children.. ie: a total lack of any kind of privacy. Mainly, because I told my husband this story while he was brushing his teeth the other morning, and he laughed so hard that the toothpaste he didn't choke on ended up all over the mirror and wall. He said, after rinsing his mouth and wiping the wall, "You HAVE to blog this."

So, here is my story. Sorry if it offends.

Having children and being a SAHM means you don't get a lot of time to yourself.. or even privacy. With a baby walking around, I often have an audience when I go to the bathroom for any reason. The baby has to tear sheets of toilet paper off the roll and sometimes tries to help her sisters wipe. Sigh. The baby tries to brush her own hair and teeth and sometimes confuses the brushes. Sigh. The baby even has to grab a book and sit on my lap if I will be more than a few seconds using the facility. SIGH. However, when you are the only adult at home, and there is a baby who is liable to choke or otherwise get hurt, you tend to bring them in the bathroom with you.

So, No Privacy.

Well, to give you an idea about why my 2 yr old would be so shocked the first time she walked in on me during "that time", having children so closely together meant that it had been 3 1/2 yrs in between visits from my monthly visitor. Yes. 3 1/2 YEARS. Do the math. I got pregnant before I even resumed my period after baby number 2. Whoops!

So, when I finally did start back, it did not occur to me that my 2 yr old would find it anything other than usual. I do close the bathroom door. When I am alone, though, I don't lock it. What if there is an emergency? I encourage the kids to knock, but sometimes 2 yr olds are forgetful.


The 2 yr old walked in suddenly one day. She stopped, looked at me, and in a voice one might use when confronted with a terrible, heartbreaking and shocking scenario (such as seeing a kitten get hit by a car), she says "OH MY GOD!" Pause. "Are you OK, Mommy?" "I am SOOO SORRY!!"

Yep. I was shocked by her response, and surprised by her entrance. Then, I started laughing really hard. I calmed her down and kissed her and thanked her for her concern and tried to explain that that is natural for mommies to do that. It was totally a new thing to her. And she was a little traumatized that I might be hurt.

Poor 2 yr old! She is so loving and empathetic. Now, when she sees my "supplies", she says "Mommy, are these your band-aids?"


You have to have a sense of humor about these things. And, You have to reconsider your position on locking the bathroom door.

The Cuter my Kids Look, The Uglier Their Behavior Has Been

If You See Boutique Bows in My Kids' Hair, Beware.
They Have Probably Been Unholy Terrors That Day.

Just a short and simple post to get your Monday started, hopefully, with a smile. If that doesn't work, go grab a brush and a hairbow.

See, my girls are angels. They are sweet, smart, loving, and pretty. Some days, however, all Hell breaks loose and it is one tantrum after another. These days there is enough back talk, and hitting of the siblings, and screaming going on to make me want to lose my mind.

It gets very tempting to just start screaming back at them and find out how they like doors slammed in their faces for a change.

But I don't do that. Instead, when my girls are being their most challenging, I force them into cute, sweet looking outfits and brush their hair. I give them darling little hair styles and put large poofy boutique bows in their hair. Seem like an odd way to react to the little terrors?

See, I was listening to the radio one afternoon. The John Tesh for Your Life program was on. (Hey, now, don't judge! I normally listen to Black-Eyed Peas, remember??!) He was talking about how to trick your body into releasing feel-good endorphins so that you can control you anger easier and be happier. He said that something as simple as smiling can fool your body to release these endorphins. When you are sad or mad, you are supposed to remember to smile.

When your children are screaming at you or not being good listeners, it is hard to stop and count to ten, much less remember to smile.

Hence the fancy boutique bows and extra cuteness quotient in the outfits. So that every time I look at the girls that day, I can't help smiling a little at how lovely they look. When I smile, they sometimes smile in return. It makes for a better day.

Plus, it also makes it look totally ridiculous to see such an adorable creature spread out on their tummy on the ground, pounding their fists, kicking their legs, and screaming because they couldn't have a second lolly. Instead of getting really angry at their behavior, I stay mildly angry and mildly amused.

Now, my friends will come over and immediately say "Uh Oh. Is it one of those days? Your girls are just so darned cute today!"

*Somedays they get cuted up just because.
**Most days, they have their hair brushed, but down, and wear whatever mismatched outfits their little hearts desire. They have to honor their own inner-fashionistas, of course! (In other words, they are usually really good, sweet girls!)

When Life Gives You Poop, Make Manure?

Warning: This Post is Not for Poop-Sensitive Readers!
With all This Manure, I Should Have One Heck of a Beautiful Garden!

The one-year old baby has a very special talent. She can poop without taking pause, grunting, concentrating, getting tense, or otherwise letting anyone know what she is up to.

Last night, the baby got out of the bathtub. We just always bathe all three girls at once to keep life a little easier. So, the baby gets out of the tub and runs down my hallway. She is just booking it for the living room, giggling as she goes. I was just a few steps behind her because I had paused to help the other two girls out of the tub. They were running behind me, giggling too. We were all trying to catch the happy nakey butt baby.

I turned the hall corner and froze. I grabbed the other two girls before they flew past me as they were still running. When I stopped them from running down the hall, right into the path of poo, they were puzzled and protesting. "You girls should thank me! Those three brown nuggets on the floor down the hall are not presents!"

Yep. The baby, true to not pausing to poop form, just pooped on the fly as she ran giggling down the hall. There were three perfect little piles along her running path trajectory.

The sad thing is that I am not a stranger to having to clean gross poop events.

When the 5 yr old was almost a toddler, she discovered her full diaper during naptime and painted the crib and walls.

When the 2 yr old was about a year old, anytime she had a stinky, she would shed the diaper faster than you could get to her to change it. We had a dog at the time.. You would notice a naked baby running around with stinky butt, then you would find an oddly empty foul smelling diaper... That dog had a full supply of breathmints and we never let that dog give us kisses. Eww.

Oh, and let's not forget the first time I changed my first baby's stinky diaper. She was two-weeks old and the husband had gone to make a Wendy's run for dinner. So, I put the baby on her crib changer. Her bed was in our room in the beginning. As I lifted her squirmy legs, she chose that exact time to poop again. And, it PROJECTILE squirted all over my face, hair, and my bed behind me. A nice down-filled king-sized comforter, just splattered. I started crying, the baby started crying, it was terrible. My husband walked in, dinner in hand, to find a soap and water flooded laundry room (I had quickly tried to jam the comforter into a small washing machine...oops) and me and the baby sitting in a shallow bath just sobbing. Now, it is one of my funniest and somehow fondest memories. Then, it was just horrible!

Did I mention that yesterday's hall leavings were an oddly shiny dark green? What has that baby been eating??!

He has an Off Sense of Humor, but Please Don't Hurt My Baby-Daddy!

My Husband's Off-Beat Sense Of Humor Almost Got Him Pummeled at Walmart When I Was Pregnant the First Time...

My first pregnancy was very unique. Of course, all first pregnancies are unique. You are experiencing pregnant nuance for the first time. But, I mean mine was VERY UNIQUE. This is because animals made me cry. All the time. For hours.

I was very sensitive to the plight of any and all animals. Disney movies? Forget it! My dr banned me from watching them at one visit when I cried telling her about how I watched Lion King the previous week. Those abused animal needs your financial support PSAs on TV? Yep. Waterworks! We would drive down the road and my husband would say "OK" and I would know to avert my eyes so I would not see the roadkill. It was pitiful.

One afternoon, my husband and I were watching Penn & Teller's BS show. We love that show. Well, this afternoon, for whatever reason, they were doing a magic trick where it "goes wrong" (all on purpose, you know!) and they accidentally throw a cute white bunny into a woodchipper. Yep. Fluff and gore everywhere. My husband immediately pauses the tv with a look of horror.. not at the magic trick "gone wrong" but because he knows what's coming. He looks to me and I burst out in hysterics. Crying like there is no tomorrow. I cried for about 45 minutes before he could calm me enough to convince me to play the rest of the show and see how it was a trick. I agree. Sure enough, Penn & Teller reveal it was only a trick. "See, here is the real bunny.." Only, to be provocative, after showing the real bunny, this bunny JUMPS into the woodchipper. Penn &Teller look horrified, explain this wasn't supposed to happen and OOPS! Of course, this bit was planned too... this is just their style. BUT I LOST IT! For another hour. That poor bunny! His poor bunny mother not knowing where he went....

Finally, my husband calms me and says "let's watch something else..." and he puts in the first VHS he can put his hands on... a Nature Documentary. What could go wrong with that, right? Someone had already been watching it and it was queued to a spot where these cute little ducks are on the edge of this cliff... "Oh No. Honey, this is where they live. They are fine. Calm Down". The narrator joyfully explains the ducklings are learning to fly today.. by jumping off this cliff.. and then a handful of the ducklings launched themselves off the cliff... VHS pause. "Honey. You heard him.. they are learning to fly. This is natural. They are fine.. don't tear up.. you'll see... oh.. don't start to cry.. here, watch" The narrator "Those ducklings that survive the fall NOW have to watch out for this hungry fox."

That was it for shows for the day. I cried a total of 5 hours that day. But that isn't the animal/pregnancy story I wanted to share today. That was just the background info so you can really appreciate this story. So you can see how my husband had tried to be good about this animal stuff. How one day, on one trip to Walmart, he decided to have fun with it since he had to deal with it constantly at home.

We had just pulled into the Walmart parking lot, having successfully avoided all views of roadkill along the way. My husband helped haul me out of the car and we were walking hand-in-hand through the lot. When, all of a sudden, I saw it first... this super cute, super little, super squished flat, dead bird. In the middle of the parking lot. It was so cute and heart breaking. I started crying as quietly as possible.... but I was sobbing. My husband pulled me into Walmart as quickly as possible, trying to distract me before I collapsed into full blown hysterics. (Hormones are really tough on pregnant women... this was my "trigger" remember)

As we were walking in, 3 military individuals were on their way out. My husband, ever the improvising, quick thinking comic, formulated his plan on the fly. He waited until the military folks were almost past us and says kind of loudly.. "Well, if you wouldn't talk back to me, I wouldn't have to hit you like that. This is all your fault. Remember that!" Keep in mind, the military guys heard this, and saw a very pregnant lady sobbing with one hand on her mouth, and one hand clutching her belly for support. Her husband obviously had a firm grip on her and was leading her forward quickly. I saw their hands clench up into fists and saw them start to turn ever so slightly in our direction, just barely altering the direction of their steps. UH OH. I was crying and couldn't get words out very well. I waved at them in a "no, no" fashion and could only say... "Joke.. no! No... dead bird.. so sad... parking lot." They looked confused, and I guess they decided not to get involved with our particular brand of crazy.. they turned back and walked away.

My husband has always had a certain brand of humor about him. He keeps life entertaining. This probably wasn't the first time and wont be the last time it gets him into trouble.

I am happy to report that I got the tears under control by the time we got our buggy and headed off to Produce. Well. That is, until we got to produce. Then, as I turned to contemplate the tomatoes, I turned back around to find my buggy totally upside-down with my bag of oranges sitting on top of it and my husband walking innocently off towards another section. This is hilarious now. That day, it was my last straw and I stood there crying again. Did I mention I was about 9 months pregnant at this point?

Thankfully, I was not prone to these types of hysterics during subsequent pregnancies. My husband had too much fun with them.

Where is My Royalty Check

My Life is a Hidden Camera Reality Show, Right?
There are Producers Whispering to My Kids, Right??

Yesterday started off normally, just as always. It proceeded with a chain of interesting, and perhaps upon review, humorous, events that lasted the whole day long. As I put my head on my pillow late last night and reviewed the day, it hit me: I must really be the star of a new hidden camera sitcom. Surely, this is not what passes as routine for the average stay-at-home-mom.. or is it?

The 2 yr old wanted to wear her "Princess Peach" costume for the day to run errands and such. (A white dress up dress that she pretends makes her look like Princess Peach on Super Smash Brothers... I know, I know). I told her no. She pouted. I told her she could wear some lipstick instead. She cheered up and ran off to get her lipstick. *A NOTE: I really don't care if my kids wear costumes out in public. They will become more "self-aware" soon enough, and I actually pick my battles. The problem here is that we had to mail another Ebay item yesterday, and she had JUST WORN that same costume the day before to the post office. I didn't want them to think my kids don't have more than just one or two outfits.. **ANOTHER NOTE: "Lipstick" refers to a small tube of lip balm. In this case, a Charlie Brown one that Santa got on clearance for 25 cents a year ahead of this past Christmas. It went in the 2 yr old's stocking this year!

Ok, so FINALLY, after 2 hours of hemming and hawing, we are out the door. When we are ready to go, I want to GO! I don't want to spend another second in the house and hurry to load the kids up. Another second OFTEN translates into another 30+minutes and I can't stand that!

I snap the kids into their seats, and off to the post office first. We get out of the car, and I take a good look at the kids for the first time since locking the door at home. Oh, GREAT! Did you all know that cheap Charlie Brown Lip Balm as a nice pinkish-red color tint? It is one thing for the 2-year old to look like she is about to bust out with a "Why so Serious??!!" but.. but... the baby??!! Oh, yes. The baby. red smears all over her happy,smiley face. Red smears that taste like cherry and don't come off very well without soap and warm water. Oh well. (The folks at the post office really need to thank me for the "feel good" endorphines we supplied them when they chuckled at the girls...)

FINALLY, we got home, unloaded, and ate lunch. Then, I sent the little rascals to the backyard to play. I was pretty amused to see them building "nests" out of recently fallen leaves. It was even more amusing to see that they had the 16-month old doing all the work... hauling pile of leaves after pile of leaves over to their designated nest area. I turned away to do the dishes. I kept peaking on them. They were hunched over some dirt, at one point.. I poked my head out "What are you guys doing?" "We found a big pile of worms! Wanna see it??" "No, that's ok. You guys enjoy the worms. Remember that Curious George episode with the worms? Treat them nicely while you watch them!"

Well, a load of dishes done and four more requests for me to come see the worms later, I finally agree to come see the worms. But they were short and fat. And not worms. They were either grubs or maggots!! OH NO! Gag!! I scooped those kids up and threw them in a bubble bath and scrubbed them clean. The big girls assured me that the baby had not eaten any of the "worms".... Oh, I just vomitted a little in my mouth typing this paragraph!

So, the kids were scrubbed and finally the day was coming to a close. I had to count my wins for the day.. um..


Oh! AND! I was able to get the baby to forget about bringing her ever-present beloved box of Stove Top stuffing that she insists on carrying around as a lovey some days... (at my mom's, a box of Potatoes Au Gratin works as a substitute..)

Yeah. I am searching the house now for cameras.

**UPDATE: As I was typing this, the baby got a hold of that terrible Charlie Brown Lip Balm. And, she colored the living room carpet with it. Nice. Thank goodness for Goo Gone! I lost 20 minutes scrubbing that gunk out. I am putting a ban on anything other than clear LipSmacker from now on!

UPDATE 2: The 2 yr old snuck the gorgeous big green bell pepper off the counter that I was planning to use in some dirty rice for dinner... As I was scrubbing the carpet, I see her tossing a new green ball up in the air and catching it. That's good. She's entertaining herself.. wait.. I don't remember her getting a new green ball... at the same instant I realize what's going on she says "I'm sorry!! I'm sorry!! I broke it! OH NO!" Yep. She didn't catch it on the last toss.. the toss where I realized what she had.. and it broke into bits all over the Goo Gone covered carpet.

No cameras in the house? No producer whispering ideas to the kids? Really? Maybe someone should do a show on my life.

Just Another Manic Morning

I Love it When Daddy Teaches the Kids Cool New Stuff
Especially When it is "Potty" Related.

We were up bright and early getting ready for our day full of errands. I was helping the two big girls get dressed in the living room. The 5 yr old exclaims, quite out of the blue, mind you, "Oh my! I do believe my derriere smells like a rose!" I only have half a second to process that before I hear a child in the bathroom. I scan the room and see the only child not present is the 16-month old. Babies+Bathroom= Disaster. "Who left the bathroom door open again?!!" I huff as I dash to the bathroom...

Once in the bathroom, I find the baby. She had moved the little step stool over by the toilet. She was now standing on it, half sitting/half perching on the edge of the toilet. Yes, she was fully clothed. No, she isn't potty training and doesn't know how to identify the "urge" yet.. (as proven by the fact that earlier that morning, she got into bed with me and laid on my tummy. She didn't move or change her breathing or anything. She was just a still, cuddly cherub.. who all of a sudden started to stink really bad. Yep, I officially started my day by getting pooped on.. sort of) But, here she was, trying to be a big girl. By just sort of sitting on the toilet.. just like the big girls. She looked at me, grinned, and said "Aww Done!" and hopped down and marched out. Ok....

My husband laughed when I told him this story.. Seems he has been putting her on the potty, trying to get her to do her business directly into the toilet while I have been at work. He doesn't like changing the dirty diapers... Thanks, sweetie! Now, every time the bathroom door is open and the baby walks buy, she has to go sit on the toilet for a while.. well.. because that is what she thinks you are supposed to do. You would think this would be a helpful thing my husband has conditioned her to do... You would think it would make potty training easier. Only, it is making my daily life much more difficult. Now, the baby has a new tantrum to throw when I don't let her go into the bathroom.. or once there, I remove her from the potty.

Back in the living room, it finally clicks with me that my 5 yr old had affected a fake Southern Lady accent when she proclaimed her derriere smelled like roses. I asked her where she heard that... DADDY, of course. And, I asked her what that meant.. "Well, I farted, of course!" Of course. Yes, my husband has spent many minutes going over and over this phrase with my soon to be Kindergartner. So that she will remember it and affect the proper accent/drawl. Oh, honey. You are going to make her "that kid".


Everyone's husband is like this, right? He's only trying to be helpful, right? That explains why he laughs like a maniac when I tell him about my day, right?

Now I Know Why Some Moms Shop at 24 hr Stores at 10PM

Target and Tots ... as in Toddlers... Hooray!

Tuesday was Target Day. The day I lose my mind by taking all three preschoolers with me to do our weekly grocery/necessities run. This is made even more hectic by the fact that I take a HUGE 3-ringed Bargain Binder stocked full of coupons with me.You can just seem me pushing one of those big "sister" buggies.. the kind where one kid sits strapped into the cart, then the other two are harnessed in to this big red seat that is attached to the buggy... Well.. I push that with one arm, and hold the binder with the other. It is quite a sight.

We made it to Target, and the trip was peaceful for the first 15 minutes. Then, everyone started getting antsy in the big buggy. So, I decided to swap them all around. I put the baby in one of the harness seats and let the big girls walk.. they HAD promised to behave if they could walk... And, the baby was happily going "Whee!!" every time I turned down an aisle. But, it all fell to pieces shortly, as per usual. I stop to consider the price of an item and hear "I'm sooo sorry!" coming from my 2 yr old as I simultaneously here a CRASH and SHATTER!! Just that quickly, she had decided to break the no touching rule. She picked up a bundled 4 pack of ladies' foaming shaving cream... It was heavier than she thought..and she dropped it. The plastic casing holding the 4 cans together split and shaving cream lids went this way while the cans went that way... I was quite furious and she was quite full of sorrow.. (I examined the "broken set" and the non-broken sets and actually, it should not have done that from a short drop. Someone else's kid broke it first! Yes!! Rock on! Whew, now I don't feel responsible enough to buy it) The worst part was that the sound had attracted this lady shopper's attention. As I always do, I turned an apologetic smile her way.. and she scowled a judgemental look I really never see from fellow shoppers, and then she glared at my child. Whatever, lady. Just be glad they go home with me!

I thought that had sufficiently taught my 2 yr old she needed to behave the rest of the trip. She did stay pretty close to me after that, and didn't fuss or protest about anything... But when I stopped at the clearance rack by the detergents, etc aisles. They had a bunch of great Glade and Febreeze 75% off clearance items and I had coupons! My 5 yr old stood right next to me to help me read the scents of the products... and the 2 yr old tip-toed 3 ft away (I was keeping an eye on her, just in case).. she had that look on her face.. the mischevious grin and crazy around the edges eyes... I should have stopped her when I saw that look, but I was so darned curious to see what her little mind was stirring up... Fast as can be, she grabbed the first spray bottle she could find and dashed back to the 5 yr old, sprayed her in the back once, and put it back on the shelf again, giggling all the time. Mind you, I was forming the words to tell her to stop.. but it all happened in a blink. I grabbed her hand, and I pushed the buggy towards the check out. I told her firmly "That was inappropriate! Don't ever do that again!" The 5 yr old says, "What did she do, Momma?" I decided to leave her oblivious. If she knew she had been sprayed with some cleaner, probably Lysol All Purpose, she would have gotten all dramatic about it. Sigh.

At about that point, a lady employee walked up and asked if I was finding everything ok. I gave her my standard reply of "Yes, UNLESS you have a hidden day care center in the store where I can leave the kids while I shop.. like, you know, IKEA?" She laughs and replies with a "I had 3 kids, too. 2 were twins. They are grown now. Trust me, you will miss this." You know, when folks tell you to cherish this time, and that you will miss it, I find it very irritating and discouraging. If I will miss this, that means it only goes downhill from here. This is to be the easy "golden age". UGH. Also, when they say "you will miss this" the "THIS" is referring to an event or chain of events/behaviors that one finds irritating or unpleasant. Something that people have to encourage you to TRUST them that the "THIS" stuff will possibly, inevitably be missed, no matter how incredulous that may seem. So, they are acknowledging that your children are acting like little miscreants. They are letting you know that they know that your kids are being deviants, AND they are letting you know that you should enjoy this, because it only gets worse from here... (It is kind of like when an older friend of mine says "You complain about your hurricanes messing your house up.. but your house is at its cleanest right now! When you get older, things will just slide. I bet you can eat off your floors right now. You can't eat off my floors". SIGH. Really? This is the golden age? This crazy mess of things? LOL.)


Well, at least I survived that trip. My family will be well-nourished for another week. And, at least my life is interesting! AND, I saved $60+ on my trip to Target by using coupons and such and I only spent under $100.. AND I had the kids with me. That is an accomplishment.

The Age of Politically Correctness and a 3rd Bday Party

My Soon-to-be Three Year Old's Birthday Party
and the Quest to Keep her Cake P.C.

Next month my two-yr old turns three. We were all set to have a wonderful Wall*E themed party. I bought the cake pan, the official icing colors, the robot cut outs for the kids to color, the toy centerpieces, and had even contacted Socks In Pockets (our friendly literary clown. She takes your theme and reads the kids a bunch of story/picture books around that theme and tells them jokes,and etc, and the kids just LOVE her.).

Well, we all know the desires of an almost three-year old are subject to change at whim. My daughter woke up one day, recently, and declared she would have a Princess and the Frog Pajama and Paint Nails Party. Okay. Great. Perfect. Lovely. At least I can fund the new theme by selling the Wall*E items on EBay and in a yard sale.

Only, Princess Tiana apparently is NOT as popular as some of her predecessors. Darn it. I am a very frugal deal hunter and the Tiana stuff is so scarce that when you do find it, they are very proud of their inventory and charge an arm and a leg. ($6 for a table cover PLUS $4 in Shipping???? Really??$10 to get a disposable cheap plastic table cover? Yeah.. we will use green wrapping paper and decorate it with purple princessy accents, thank you very much!) I did find a Tiana music CD for $6 and some clearance Tiana napkins. I am going to decorate with purple and green. I bought some Tiana themed Valentines and plan to cut the pictures of the characters out of those and glitter glue them on some cups I bought on clearance at like 35 cents a pack.. BUT I DIGRESS!!!


Luckily for me, I had found some really great Tiana themed items on super clearance over the past year. These items have "lived" in my gift/things to sell on Ebay closet, so I am able to give my princess all Tiana themed gifts...

So.. onto planning the cake. This should have been a piece of well.. cake. I found a Tiana "Barbie" doll half off at Target. Perfect! I will make one of those cakes with the doll in the center.. you know, the kind where the cake part is kind of bundt shape and is made to look like the doll's dress. Wow! I found a WHOLE Princess and the Frog action figure on sale at a local Disney Store. These are perfectly sized to go around the bottom of the cake.

Seeing as though the two-year old has decided to rethink her birthday and make it go this direction, I decided to double check what flavor cake she wanted. After a day and a half of going back and forth from chocolate, to pink, to brown, to red (obviously, colors are acceptable flavor options now), she finally settled on a Tiana cake that is red flavored. Not cherry or anything like that... RED! Ok, done! Glad to have that over with, right?

Wrong. The party is next month. I was going over some details with my husband when it hits me. If we are to have a cake that is in the shape of the princess, herself.. well.. it doesn't need to be red, does it? Wouldn't that look a bit gory or graphic? Like we are cutting into her and the cake is red.. that is just plain hideous. So, fine. We will go with an actual flavor: Chocolate. "Yeah, that's great. Because Tiana is African-American," My husband says. Oh, crud. Does that make a statement, too? Is that un-PC? My husband says, "Just go with Vanilla. Oh, wait.. no.. don't do that, either. Yellow cake it is." At this point, I am throwing my hands up in the air.


This was supposed to be a super easy party to plan. I thought when my soon to be birthday girl switched from Wall*E to Tiana it would be an easier party, with easier to find character-themed items. She wants everyone to come over in their jammies and eat chicken nuggets and get their nails painted. Cheap, Easy, Perfect.

Except the items are hard to find, and the cake is driving me nuts at this point.

Then, it hits me. I know just what to do for this cake. I don't know why it was so hard to come to this solution. It is perfect. AND perfectly PC for a Princess and the Frog Tiana shaped cake. We will make it GREEN flavored!

Kinder-Music?

Kinder-Music?
The confession of a mom who is a closet Black-Eyed Peas enthusiast

Ok, so I have a confession: My kids know alternative music just as well as the standard E-I-E-I-O. I try really hard to balance my love of groups, such as the Black-Eyed Peas, with my responsibilities as a mother of young, children with tender ears. I listen to the radio with my kids in the car, and switch the station when they play the version with harsh language. I have sought out music that makes a decent enough compromise. We know the Snacktime Album by Barenaked Ladies by heart now. The Imagination Movers are often on our play list, too. But my kids are also well versed in standard radio fare such as Lady Gaga and Black-Eyed Peas. I naively thought that my kids in the backseat just like be-bopping around to the beat and weren't really paying close attention to the lyrics. Oh, I was wrong.

One afternoon my daughter was sitting by herself building with some blocks. She was quietly humming to herself. Wait.. was that.. surely not... Yep. I recognized that tune. I knew it the instant my two-year old burst out with a "Come here, Rude Boy Boy!!" in perfect Rhianna imitation. The next day, they sang along to the Black Eyed Pea's new remake of the Dirty Dancing Song. Well.. they hummed along with the tune as we were driving around town, and when it got to the point where they sing "Dirty Bit.. Dirty Bit," there was a full 3-girl background singer choir in my car. They really love to do the "Ppppppp Poker Face" Lady Gaga bit, too.

So, I have a problem. I must find a bunch of G-rated songs by my fave groups to play while I drive around. Because my girls love the pop stuff like I do. And they aren't just enjoying the beat. They are absorbing it!

I must note that they also love Mike Doughty, Rob Thomas, and even random groups like The Format. AND, when played the Anniversary Edition CD of sounds and songs from the past 25 years of Mario games, they can identify all the sound effects, and even tell you which game and level each song went with. It counts that they like the "my backpack's got jets, I'm Bobba the Fett".. right?? And bonus points for the Weird Al stuff, too.. right???

I am not the worst mother, right??? LOL. They get plenty of the E-I-E-I-O too, so simmer down! :) Wee Sing and Learn Dinosaurs is in their playroom CD player right now......

And their number one fave song of all times is the "We like to MOVE IT" song on the Madagascar soundtrack....

And they only listen to the Chicago the Musical soundtrack once every few months.....

Ok. Sigh. Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star it is for the next 10 years. That is the real reason God invented ear buds, right? So you can get your Black Eyed Peas groove on while you fold 10 loads of laundry.

Stand-Off

The Stand-Off with My 2-Yr Old was a Lose/Lose Situation

The other day started off pretty normally. The kids were getting along great for 15 minutes at a time. Then, they would scream at each other. Then, they would apologize. And harmony would ensue for another whole 15 minutes. Ah, Sisters!

I decided at one point to take a moment to sit on the couch and watch them play together. It was at this moment that the bookend twins (my 5 yr old and my 1 yr old are very much alike) decided to gang up on the 2 yr old. They snatched toys from her and ran from the room to go play together without the poor middlest.

But, see, my middlest has quite the spirit in her. She is full of sweetness and spunk. She loves totally, all encompassing, and she also gets really really pissed off. She can charm you with one smile, or freeze you with one glare.

When the bookend twins ran off, they hurt her feelings and made her very very angry. She stomped, and twirled in the middle of the living room, just looking for something to take her frustration out of. She had "that" look. That slightly wild around the edges look. Her eyes stopped on me for half a second.

"Oh no." I said. "You better stop and think about it. Don't Do IT!"

"I WON'T!" she yelled.

"Really." I replied. "Don't do it"

"I wasn't going to!"

"Stop and think about it. Make a good decision," I tried to calmly and firmly rationalize.

"I'm NOT!" she raised the volume and octave in this last scream.

"Don't Do IT!" I am now raising my voice.

We had a couple more exchanges like this, back and forth, each one escalating in tone and volume... until my daughter, having stepped a bit closer and closer to me with each exchange.. reaches out.. and yells "I'm not going to do it!" and proceeds to hit me as she had just promised she wasn't going to... and then turns tail and runs off as fast as her little legs can go.

Her eyes were wide and shocked that she had just hit me. If it wasn't such a serious offense to hit one's Mommy, it would have been one of those made for sitcom moments that would have inspired laughter... the situation inevitably escalating.. innocent bystander mommy.... outraged and indignant two-year old who felt pushed to the point of no return, then the unthinkable outlash with her wide-eyed shock...

Needless to say she spent some time in her room, AND I threw one of her beloved My Little Ponies in the trash. The consequence for violence towards anyone in our house is that you lose a toy you love. Usually, we try to donate it. But in this case, I had to make an immediate point and have her throw it away.

I love that Middlest. Her spirit is so full of awesomesauce. But it will get her in trouble one day. She is the child whose college fund might just end up as bail money.

Three Girls. What was I thinking?

The Beginning

My husband and I have traditional root values, even though we go about life in some unconventional manners. We met in college at a Skeptic's Society club meeting. He announced his presence to the group by walking in and loudly proclaiming the need for cute, single girl club members. I piped up, and the rest was history. In a move very unlike my cautious manner, I moved in with him on the first date. Six months later, we were engaged. 4 months later, we were married in a lovely backyard ceremony... by a Buddhist minister. It stunned our friends, and lots of broken-hearted girls (my husband was a bit of a ladies' man before I came along). And, it got folks to talking. And counting. And watching me to see if I started to get really, really fat.

But, we were not pregnant. Just in love. Our first baby was born a year and a half after we got married. It was a girl. And she was such the lovely apple in our eyes that we decided to try for baby number 2. Our lovely first daughter met her little sister a few months after she turned 2 yrs old.

Life was beautiful and very full. Our family felt complete. Sure, there were a few hiccups from time to time. Such as when the two year old came to me in a panic. "It won't come out!" What won't come out? "The booger! It is stuck in her EAR!" (lots of panic and crying coming from the two year old at this point, as she had obviously stuck a booger in the 2 week old baby's ear"

That moment was a warning sign, a pre-cursor to what was to come. I knew my life would be full of laughter and hysterics. It would be a rich life.

Then, that baby turned nine months old. And I kept losing my baby weight. I was getting very skinny. But, all of a sudden, my skinny jeans refused to button. I stepped on the scale. Yep, still losing weight. So, what would cause me to lose weight and still not be able to wear my clothes? Oh, No. "Yep," a friend told me on the phone, "You are sooo pregnant." So, I took a test... you know.. just to shut her up. Only, the test was a reject, obviously. They swapped the control and test lines, obviously. Because the first line lit up bright and clear. Only...no... oh no.. the second line lit up bright too! I was totally pregnant again.

All I could do was scream out one loud explicative. (my pregnancies are hard and the deliveries are not easy. I stay sick the whole time, and the doctor that did the second delivery botched it so bad, I was just barely recovered, nine months later. And I had been "careful"). My now 3 yr old comes up to me, seeing me sob my heart out, and says "It's ok, Mommy. I love you. Do you need a Happy Meal? Let's go to Mc Donald's".

My husband just laughed. Several months later, our THIRD daughter was born. And the kicker is that she is so lovely and wonderful, just like our other two girls! Our family was incomplete until she came along, even if we didn't know it.

So, now we are a family of 5. I love it. It is stressful and crazy. My stories surprise even me at times. But, here we are.
And, here I am. I am SAHM. Welcome to the first of many posts on my blog.