Eat Your Vegetables, Don't Play With Them.

The Other Day I Had a Big Problem.

The Kids Would Not Stop Playing With Their Veggies.

The other day started with as much chaos, etc as usual. I was scrambling to get the family some breakfast and clean the kitchen. I finally grabbed a cup of coffee and stepped out of the kitchen.

And promptly lost my mind.

Every room of the house, it seemed, had been invaded... by potatoes. The first potato was found under the dining room table. I was annoyed, but it seemed about par for the course. One of the kids, probably the baby, had snuck a potato out of the pantry while I was cleaning. Nice.

I went to confront the kids in the living room. They weren't there watching cartoons. There were 2 more potatoes in their place enjoying Elmo. Ok. I went from annoyed to mildly amused and frustrated. I scooped the taters up and headed towards the play room.

Another potato greeted me in the hall on the way.  I started to think I was losing my mind at this point.

Then another potato or two in the play room and a final potato in the girls' bedroom. This final potato was in the baby's hands.  Apparently, according to the five year old, potatoes make excellent balls to roll and play catch with.  And, apparently from the marks in the potatoes, if you get hungry in the middle of playing and you are only one and a half years old, the potatoes make for a quick and easy nibble snack.  The baby also had an empty potato sack with her. I smell a conspiracy. That sack, when it was full, would have been too heavy for the baby to haul off by herself, let alone sneak out from under my nose.

SIGH.

I finally got the potatoes back where they belonged.  

Then, I go about my day filled with chores.  I get to the bathroom. Something seems "off".  I can't immediately put my finger on it.  So, I start straightening the bathroom. I get to the drawer where we keep diaper cream and flushable wipes, etc. And I find a stack of fresh carrots. The same carrots I gave the baby an hour ago to snack on. Neatly filed away in the worst drawer for foodstuffs. 

SIGH.

Then, it hits me. The foam seat part of the toddler toilet is missing. I look everywhere for it. Can't find it anywhere. 

Finally, hours and several shenanigans later, I sit down for the first time of the day.  Sitting on my couch, I immediately see the toilet seat. Wedged under my TV Entertainment center. 

SIGH.

Potatoes, Carrots, and Potty Seats.  Thankfully, a friend called and invited the kids over to play. So, I loaded the monsters up and took them to go get worn out at a friend's house.  By the time we got back home after that, it was time for Daddy to come home and help....

Do NOT Make Eye Contact With Your Kids. Or at Least Not With Mine

I Have Learned My Lesson The Hard Way:

It Is Almost NEVER a Good Thing To Make Eye Contact With My Kids.

It may sound weird or harsh, but I have learned over the years that nothing good can ever come of making eye contact with my kids. At least, not during certain scenarios. Now, to be on the safe side, I try to avoid making eye contact with them at all costs.

This is especially true in the following situations:

• When one of my children falls down.  I have to look at them from the corner of my eye to make sure they are ok. Then, I clap. And cheer. Otherwise, my kid is going to fall to pieces and yell and cry and act foolish. IF I make eye contact, the boo boo that they could have brushed off and continued on their way with just becomes this ER worthy scratch full of drama, etc.  I add the clapping bit because it startles them out of being upset they fell and makes them smile and look around for what's going on.
• When they crawl into bed with me first thing in the morning. It is technically their time to wake up and get the day started. But I am really tired.  If I don't look them in the eye and smile, I can convince them to lie quietly and snuggle for 15 minutes. As soon as either I or my husband make eye contact, it is all over. The kid wants to smile and sit up and flirt with you and the possibility to doze 15 more minutes is gone. (By the way, dear... I love how you wake up all smiles when the kids come hug on you first thing, but please.. don't keep making eye contact. That last 15 minutes of rest is precious to me!)
• When driving in the car.  Again, you realize all of a sudden that your car trip has become unexpectedly quiet and peaceful.  You glance in the rearview mirror to see what's going on or if the kids have fallen asleep.  Big mistake! You just caught one of the kids looking at you. You made eye contact. Now, within 3 minutes of this happening, your backseat will break out in pandemonium. This happens every time. Now, I try to just let the kids be magically quiet without my interference or eye contact.
• When your child does something naughty that is downright hilarious.  This is one of the few times that you should NOT make eye contact while scolding your child.  When you make eye contact, one of you will twitch trying not to smile, and then it is all over with and you are trying to contain your giggles. That is just not effective for behavior modification.
• When your child is FURIOUS at a sibling.  I don't know how universal this one is. But I do know that when my 3 yr old is mad at her older sister, I cannot make eye contact with her. If I do, she gets into big trouble. Something about my gaze makes her come take her frustration out on me. Then, we get into a stand-off. It is just really unpleasant.
• When your child is off playing happily by themselves or with their friends.  Don't ruin your peace by making eye contact. They will then decide to come bug you.
• When you are enjoying a snack or treat that the kids can't have. Or you are eating something right after they have snack and they are supposed to wait for the next meal to eat.  IF you get busted sneaking a mini Snickers, etc.. do NOT make eye contact.  If you can, pretend to do something important instead. Otherwise, you will get begged for a treat, snack, etc.
• When you are on the phone. NEVER make eye contact while you are on the phone. It is like inviting your kids to come have a conversation with you while you are already talking to someone else.

I love my kids. I do. And I spend plenty of time with them. And I make eye contact with them often. Just never in those above situations if I can help it.

The Baby Is Equal Opportunity on Cleavage

A Post About Cleavage

And Hand Warming

Just to catch you up, my 18 month old has been weaned for about 9 months, give or take a month or two.  

She has gone from embarrassing me by trying to nurse through my t-shirt when I am holding her out in public.. to reaching in my shirt and trying to "free the girls"... on to now just simply shoving her hands into my bra and cleavage to just keep them there... to warm her hands possibly?

This is a bad habit that is getting out of control. It is really hard to stay modest. Also, as the baby is in a clingy mama mood, she wants me to hold her all the time. Which gives her more opportunity to warm her hands in my cleavage no matter what type of top I am wearing.  It is a little disconcerting when she does this while we are hanging out with friends. When I am in public, I can fool myself into thinking I blend in with the scenery and no one is noticing. When you are at a friends' house and it is just two couples and the kids, it is very obvious what the baby is doing.

I think it is funny for now, but if the kid starts actually flashing nipple or something, I am going to be up a creek. This is one of those things they don't tell you about before you have children.  

Today, this cleavage hand warming habit took a turn for the worse.  I was crouching in the kitchen trying to make sense of a cabinet that has way too many mixing bowls and pots and pans in it. When I had opened the cabinet, I got a cascade of cookware.  So, I was perched there, trying to organize it a bit... when all of a sudden... my pants must have been pulling a plumber thing.. bc all of a sudden I had icy fingers down that cleavage. I jumped! Brr. Those fingers were toasty.  And, I didn't realize these jeans did that. 

So, finding out that these jeans do that before I make a faux pas with company around? As Charlie Sheen would say, Winning!

Getting icy baby fingers in yet another cleavage of mine? Not so much.

So, take this as a warning: Should you choose to have children, your baby might decide to warm her hands in any cleavage you present to her or that is "handy".  Buy extra baby mittens.. even for summertime. 

Where are My Paid Sick Days Off?

The Flu Couldn't Keep Us Down.. or Anything Else..

So, for the past two weeks me and mine have been dealing with the flu. Flu shots be darned. Being a SAHM means you don't get sick days. So, fever of 103 and all, I took care of the kids. (My husband was able to take one day off.. thanks hun!)

The kids were tired but handled being sick ok.  The baby decided not to leave my side and stayed cocooned with me under blankets on the couch. That snuggle time was really nice and recharged her "Cute-ability" for the stuff she has since pulled.

Like the other day.. when she was crying. And holding her hand out to me for a kiss. Bc she had just obviously hurt herself, right? So, out of habit, I kiss her boo boo. But I wasn't kissing an ouchy but an Uh Oh. As in, she had stuck her fingers in the back of her dirty diaper and was ticked to have gotten them dirty. And then she came for a kiss to smooth her feelings. 

Yes. I finally kissed poop. Yes. It was gross. Yes, I did gargle tons.  

Then, there was today. All the kids are outside playing.. getting rid of the locked in stir crazies.  And I hear this sound from my laundry room.  It is a scraping sort of sound.  I couldn't figure out what was going on. So, I stepped out the back door and looked and found... A BROOM STICKING OUT OF MY DRYER VENT!!! OF COURSE! DUH, RIGHT??!!!  The three year old thought that was the place to put Daddy's outside broom. Makes sense. So does the decoration INSIDE my dryer vent of several yellow flowers.  My dryer hasn't been doing a great job lately. I think I just discovered why. 

In other words, we are BACK! Back in full swing and making up for lost time from the illness.